Today wasn’t all bad, I only stepped on a thumbtack once and I only cut myself 5 times, not 6. Yeah, it was one of those days, when it was so bad that the worst stuff seems good.
I woke up to my mother begging me to make a pizza toast thingy (sliced garlic bread with tomato paste and cheese sprinkled on top, then baked) which I had to eat in front of her because she thinks I have an eating disorder but won’t confront me on it. She’s right, I do display traits of anorexia nervosa, but still, why’d she make me break my fast? Lunch was some green tea and supper was a single ramen noodle pack, which while combined all I ate today totals about 650 calories, I still feel like I ate a whole buffet. I wish I could just throw it all up, but I never have enough in my stomach to force me to vomit. I shouldn’t be concerned with my weight or appearance, I’m a guy, we aren’t supposed to care about that, but I do, and I can’t help it. Am I using to many commas? I think I am. Anyways, that’s about the most I’ve eaten in a few months. Most days I consume fewer than 400 calories and I somehow don’t lose weight. I’m factoring liquids, but somehow I keep gaining these 5 lbs and losing them over and over again. I’m very tired of that. I think I’m super close to being in the 160s, and then I’m a 176 again. I can’t even drink more than a cup of water at a time without feeling sick, my stomach must’ve shrunk. At least it prevents me from eating too much.
I got a bit of peace from 9am-2pm, when my mom was watching football, but that ended soon and I was being yelled at for things beyond my control. The toilet seat broke and I didn’t want to use it until we got a new one on as I know my brother pees all over the toilet rim, and I didn’t want to sit on that. What’d I get for not wanting to get urine all over my rump? A tirade of insults from my sputtering mother while my father tried to calm her and reason with her. She’s a master of manipulation. She can make you feel guilty about your cat getting cancer and convince you it is your fault, then convince you that the only way to prevent your other cat from getting cancer is to do things that’d help her. My cat is dying and she’s sitting around telling me it’s my fault. He’s my only friend. Now that I think about it, my parents have killed all of my friends before. Mr. Maple the Maple tree, Grady our gray cat, Grover our orange cat who suffered with kidney failure because my parents didn’t want to take him to the vet to be put to sleep, Larry and Coo-Coo the parakeets, and soon Ernie, my loving ball of black fur. She reminds me repeatedly of my poor grades, which I am aware of and I have to constantly remind her that they have fallen because I missed a week of school because I had passed out in school from exhaustion. She only ever yells, I haven’t heard her say one nice thing about me since my parent teacher conferences in October, and that was just to the teacher. I told my therapist all this and more, and what’d he do? He invited my mother into his room with me and told her everything I said to him while I kept asking him not to. In front of him, my mom seemed willing to cooperate and happy to listen, but as soon as we left the building things got worse. No social media (I already didn’t have social media), no computer (typing from my raspberry pi which I hid from them), no out of school events (wasn’t in any but want to be in some), no friends (didn’t have any but still, that’s cruel), and no tv. She, they stacked on more chores and stuff for me to do since I “have the time”. I’d tell her this, but I know she is mentally unstable and has spent time in mental hospitals and I am fairly positive she’d commit suicide if I told her this. She doesn’t realize she destroyed my self-esteem, but she did, and I don’t think it’ll recover. It hasn’t helped that she put me on a diet when I was 11, and I wasn’t even fat. Anyways, she came up to check on my room which has improved greatly since yesterday and is much cleaner, and to check my brother’s room, which was messier when he started and hadn’t done as much as me. She told me I was too stupid to clean right, dumber than a mouse, and needed to clean more. Then, she went into my brothers room which was much dirtier than mine and praised him like my grandma praises Jesus, saying things I’d only hear in my dreams. She remained mostly silent from there, just leaving me alone in my room with my razor blade. Yay, I carved die in my left arm! Darn, I have to swim in phy ed tomorrow, I have no clue how I can hide this. Well, I’m too tired to keep on writing, so expect some more tomorrow. Let me know if this is too long, just write, too short, or just tips in general down in the comments. Please subscribe and enjoy!
-Caleb
Hope for the Future 